It is not a woman’s job to carry the weight of the male ego.
Over the last several weeks I’ve spoken out multiple times about the Men’s Rights Movement and subsequently have become the target of some of the most violent vitriol that the Internet has to offer.
None of this harassment bothers me, but rather, it fascinates me.
One of the things I've found most interesting has been the huge call from these bottom feeders for my boyfriend to leave me. They've rallied around him (he doesn't want this attention, clearly) and have even started a hashtag — #savemike — because as a feminist and a woman who challenges his ideas etc, I am therefore "abusive." I guess it's no real surprise since he's a man, of course the MRA loves him (LOL4ever).
Thank you, random men of the Internet for your concern about my relationship with my future husband.
As much as my partner would love to leave me and come live with you, I don’t think your mother would appreciate another 30-year-old man living in her basement.
Men will say they want a smart woman, of course, but the moment they are faced with one — the moment a woman challenges them, or god forbid, proves them wrong — she becomes “hard to deal with,” “too intense,” or “crazy.”
As I was mulling over men and their inclination to be threatened by an intelligent, outspoken woman, I came across a study outlined in NY Mag. Herein I found the holy grail of practical reasoning: men like the idea of an intelligent woman on the surface, but once face to face with one who is his intellectual superior, he loses interest. While the study’s small sample size does not yield definitive scientific results, it does largely confirm what I already knew to be true about the interactions of male and females mates.
I posted the study on Facebook and a friend of mine came out to dispute the study’s claim. She posted this:
“I consider myself highly intelligent and have never once felt like my intellect was a turnoff to any man I've dated. In fact, I think it's the been the opposite. That being said, as someone who has logged many, many hours agonizing over the mysteries of the male brain, I HAVE found that the more ‘alpha’ a man, the more he has to ‘feel like a man’ in order to be attracted to me. I've literally taught myself to speak in a quieter tone (obviously not whispering, but certainly not screaming, either), listen to my dates talk, not jump all over them when they get something wrong and I want to immediately correct them...some may say this is sexist, but I know what type of guy I'm attracted to, and that guy 9/10 times does not want to feel overpowered by their romantic partner. That DOES NOT mean I dumb myself down at all -- I simply express myself slightly differently than I would with say, a female colleague. There is nothing wrong with some men being attracted to stereotypically feminine qualities.”
This is a friend I respect as a writer and as a woman. As empowering as her message appeared to be, it was inherently flawed. It doesn’t matter how self-aware you are, if you change your personality for the purpose of easing the male ego, in any way, you are doing yourself and women everywhere a disservice. You are internalizing patriarchal values that call for you to be quieter, softer and easier to deal with.
In her protest, she actually wound up proving the study correct.
Yet, depressingly, she wasn’t wrong about needing to change the way she speaks for certain men. You see, men ARE still fucked up about smart women.
We need to even the playing field. No one should be lessening or amplifying themselves to be attractive to a mate. This is why feminism is good for everyone, it makes us equal.
A man wants a smart woman... but not a woman who’s smarter than he. Don’t fret, hope isn’t lost. It’s only the so-called “alpha” men my friend was referring to who feel this way. If you are seeing a man who forces you to “take it down a notch” to make him feel attracted to you, fuck that guy.
A real man is one who appreciates and adores a smart woman who challenges him. Men aren’t all to blame. We live in a society where men have internalized toxic ideas about masculinity. They think they need to be tough, strong and emotionally distant in order to attract a mate.
These ideas are wrong and damaging, but the way to fix them is not by lessening who you are, even slightly, to make things “easier” for men. NO. Screw that.
It is not a woman’s job to carry the weight of the male ego. That is not your job. If a man wants to dim your shine in any way, that is not a man worth dating. If you’re like my friend and find you’re only attracted to guys who expect this of you, take a look inside because there is some soul searching to be had.
A man who deserves you will love you and worship you no matter how loud, obnoxious, ridiculous, silly, wild, or smart you are. Anything less isn't worth it.
We need to even the playing field. No one should be lessening or amplifying themselves to be attractive to a mate. This is why feminism is good for everyone, it makes us equal.
With time, hopefully we'll step away from gender norms, stop adhering to bullshit societal standards, and just be people.
